It seems as though this road and I are well acquainted. I feel as though I have traveled over it many times before. Many of the sights along this road are the different and yet, there is a constant feeling of Déjà vu. There are times when I feel as though I’ve veered off course and have taken a different road entirely. Yet despite the feelings, despite the changes, and despite everything that may be, it is the same road I have traveled since the beginning.
It is a rough road. It is, at times, filled with potholes and washboard surfaces that without warning, jar the teeth in your mouth. The gravel and the sharp rocks press hard into the rubber tires. There are often fallen branches laying in the path. Some branches you’ll be able to maneuver around, others will force you to stop the vehicle and remove them before continuing.
The stops along the way are not always this cumbersome. Just the other day, a handsome turtle was taking in some of the sun’s rays, right in the middle of the road. That beautiful little fellow was not trying to be a hindrance to others. It was just to find some warmth from an otherwise cold world. When I tried to move him from his basking, he retreated within his shell. A life of being preyed upon by others, will often make you retreat within to a dark place.
It is true that this road can be harsh at times. There are a lot of twist and turns to navigate, and many unforeseen obstacles to overcome. However, this may be, the perils should not be the main focus. All too often we focus so diligently on the course we are driving instead of our surroundings. We become complacent and narrow-sighted, much like a horse with blinders on.
Now take a second with me to look at those trees over there to the left. Notice those colors? Can you see the stream that flows through the little valley? Did you see that mamma deer and her does? Look at the beautiful blue house off to the right! Did you see the wrap around porch and the rocking chairs? Can you picture in your mind, yourself sitting in one of those chairs? Look at how they decorated the front of the house with those hanging flowerpots! Look at those stone figurines near their garden of a little boy kissing a girl on the cheek! How long have they been dancing together in the rain? How long has their song been playing?
When I was young I wanted to speed down the road like a skilled racecar driver. I ran over things that I shouldn’t have. I smashed into other vehicles and even hurt creatures like that turtle along the way. I did all of this just to get somewhere fast. I believed that the faster that I drove, the faster I thought I would find my true self. The is a period of life that most adolescence experience, although some people never move beyond this. It is the race to obtain independence. It is the race to find purpose. It is the Race for One’s Own Existence. There is another part of this journey. There is a part that possibly worse than just racing for one’s own existence. This part is something I call The Death Branch.
One day I was driving down this familiar road. It was nice day out. The sun was out, and I could feel it’s warm rays against my face. The convertible top was down, and the wind was steadily blowing through my hair. There was a certain solace in hiding behind those Ray-Ban sunglasses. That would all change in a single moment.
A storm suddenly came upon me. Darkness encapsulated me and I could not see the very road I was traveling on. Flashes of lightening ripped through the darkened sky and illuminated my path. I could see! I felt hope in that moment, but it was only for a brief moment. Darkness fell again. With the darkness came apprehension and despair. Each subsequent flash brought moments of relief, only to be dashed against the stone of the preceding darkness. This torturous display, reeled me into a false sense of security. This continued for several moments. Each time, the sound of thunder would crack and shake the very core my being.
Strong winds began to push hard against the car. Branches from trees began to fall all around me. There were some branches that were small and some that were large. I dodged to the left and then to the right narrowly avoiding every fallen danger. The smell in the air changed. I could tell that rain was coming. The top of my convertible was still down, but I couldn’t risk pulling over and stopping to put it up. It was too dangerous.
The moisture in my mouth had run dry. I was sweating profusely. The more my hands shook, the harder I gripped the steering wheel tighter. I gripped tighter until my fingers began to go numb. I could feel my heart racing. I was afraid. There was a part of me that wanted to pull the car over and just stop. There was another part of me that was ready for death.
The rain began with a single heavy drop. Then there were two. The rain then fell so heavy that I could not see. The windshield wipers were on high, but to no avail. The falling rain was coming down to hard. The rain poured into the vehicle. I was drenched in just a few seconds. The rain stung as it slapped me in the face. I attempted to push through the pain and fear. I remember thinking that the storm had to eventually end. Yet it just kept on raining.
With all that was happening around me, there was a fleeting thought that began to erode away at all reason. It was the thought of a falling branch dropping down on my vehicle and coming through the windshield and impaling me. Of all the real dangers, this was the one that I became fixated on.
This thought paralyzed me. Panic stricken. I couldn’t escape the image. The thought had me at a standstill. Mentally I could not go forward, and I could not go back. I couldn’t think about anything other than this.
This is the destructive nature of the Death Branch. It is an irrational fear of what could be, taking away the focus from what actually is. In this storm, there were certainly plenty of dangerous to be fearful of. Yet it was the image of being impaled that had me frozen with fear. Fear in this instance came from something that may or may not have ever happened. Focusing on the Death Branch distracted me from the real threats that posed real danger.
The Death Branch also limits a person. It limits their potential. Perceptions such as the Death Branch lock an individual’s mind in such a capacity that they are unable to live free and adventurous. In the midst of the storm, I became afraid. I focused on imminent death. What if I had embraced the storm? What if I, from the beginning of the storm I accepted the fact that I could do nothing to stop what was coming? What if I accepted the idea that if it was my time to die, then I would die? More importantly though, what If I accepted from the very onset of the storm that if it were my time to live, than I would live? Perhaps if I had accepted this, I might have pulled over and put up the convertible top and stayed dry. Perhaps if I had accepted this, I wouldn’t have cared about being wet. Maybe then I would’ve thrown my arms out, and let the rain fall as it were to fall. Maybe then I would sat and waited to take in the fresh smell of petrichor.
When approached with a storm in life, most drivers become like me, afraid to move forward or backward. The Death Branch becomes paramount and encapsulates every avenue of their life. (Date? – What if I get rejected?) (School? – What if I don’t do well?) (Try different foods?)- What if I don’t like them?) (Skydive? – Isn’t that dangerous?) In a sense, they can not live, because they are already dead. They are merely the product of a tragic accident involving a tree limb that never fell.