Stories with Elliott

The flowers within have faded.
But their strength has not failed.
The rain has beat against my breast.
While the suns heat upon me impaled.

Lonely and afraid I felt transfixed.
When the hour arose to such a time.
With these horrors lying within my past.
This mountain seemed fortuitous instead of by design.

I fixed my gaze on a shadowy figure.
And scrambled to assess his name.
But with love striking chords within.
I reasoned that this would only bring me shame.

With little strength I tried to rise.
To meet love with a kiss.
But my heart collapsed back within.
Falling, I tumbled, back into the abyss.

My tired hands broke and bled.
A body fragmented; a mind now torn.
“How can I climb out of this pit,
With a soul that is so well worn?”

With brazen thoughts embossed in their place.
The moons echo fell upon my heart.
An ascent from within this crevasse.
Would never begin without a start.

So as a daisy stretches out.
Towards the light it so desperately requires.
My hands reached out to take hold.
To rise up and extinguish fires.

Though the embers burned deep within.
I could not grace their hold.
To forgive, to love, to mend.
These treasures are rarely foretold.

One more hand in the cleft.
As I pulled myself out of this chasm.
A figure stood just above.
My heart filled with enthusiasm.

I pulled hard and from deep within.
To scamper the modicum of this mile.
To behold forever’s gentle touch,
Is to gaze at heavens smile.

Nearly there to the top now.
My body’s strength is nearly depleted.
A smile from above, a gentle voice.
My heart beats of hope now completed.

Hand in hand to heal the rest.
The memories that befell an abyss.
The flower that faded within.
Left troubled petals sorely remised.

Here are my wings,
Tattered and broken.
Here are my words,
Simple but spoken.

Here is my heart,
pure and true.
Here are my hands,
made just for you.

Here are my eyes,
Gleaming and free.
Here are my lips,
Nothing withheld from thee.

Here is my mind,
Devoted and strong.
Here is my life,
Here is my song.

In the late evening,
When demons cheer and drum.
To take water from the well,
In which you drink from.

Remember, oh Remember,
The strength you hold inside.
The resilience that maintained,
Against the fearful rushing tide.

For you stood your ground,
On that cold and frightful day.
You demanded the vengeance
Of the winds would halt and stay.

You starred into the unknown,
With your delicate heart on your sleeve.
A smile of confidence amiss,
While the dragons fire did deceive.

Though the seas were raging,
To them behold in few.
Your courage was accounted in smoke.
It was tested just to see you through.

Now the light embarks,
On your grace does thee shine.
To stand against dark forces,
And show worth of heart to entwine.

You hold the scepter of lightening,
Firm within your mighty hand.
Love with fury and thunder.
Relinquish yesterday’s powerful demand.

The demand that is made,
To sever the joy and ensue.
Holding you stagnant to a tax,
Without the ability to start anew.

You are stronger than this,
You are braver than you recognize.
A warrior’s heart lies deep within,
To embrace only that which edifies.

Let go of the chains.
Let go of the fetters.
Let go of the hurt.
Release all the debtors.

You are the force,
That silences the raging sea.
You are the royalty,
That commands the bowing knee.

You are the lions roar,
To which the world should be mortally afraid.
You are the bringer of light and love,
Of which thou art elegantly arrayed.

Embrace love as your template.
Allow healing to draw itself from dreams.
Use your voice to echo passion.
And let kindness fill the gaps and seams.

I waited through the long and cold winter night.
Longing for your words and your song.
I added a few logs to the fires light.
And alone I waited for you to come along.

I found so many lines to inscribe,
On how I thought our meeting would take form.
Yet my words seemed inadequate to describe.
The residual traces of a long winter storm.

It is difficult to see the shining sun,
When the clouds so overcast thee to thy peril.
Yet soothe thee from that which is undone.
Tame the beast who innately roams feral.

I am lost and stricken by the candles flare.
I sat alone with a photograph in hand.
My heart yet pummeled by the lights dim glare.
To thine presence amiss I cannot withstand.

I saw you carry the winds upon your breast.
An angel walking amongst falling snow.
The savor of a divided line opened and manifest.
Harken to me thine own scepter and crow.

There amongst shadows, you walked this way.
My heart leaped with a sun lit glee.
But sadness roamed its powerful display.
From beneath the waves of anonymity.

Was it a shade? Was it a creature lurking?
For in the shadows did something appear.
The uncertainty left my writing shirking.
For I knew the hour was drawing near.

When you would arrive to meet in splendor,
And take my heart to soar to thine height.
Open before thee does thou seemingly render.
My soul in bloom, sincere, and forthright.

Then out from the dense falling snow,
With steps so gracious to hover the earth.
Came forth an angel with a radiant glow,
And a joy of hope released with all its worth.

Emotion washed over with delight,
To feel the cool of your touch.
Wading through the snow to travers my sight.
Of whom I’ve longed to embrace so much.

Come to this place of rest and cheer.
Hold my hand by the fire and heart.
A full love well enough to strengthen and adhere.
A time together that will not soon depart.

I see your soothing shine,
I see your soft glow.
Does your energy come from another?
Are you hiding in someplace I cannot go?

Hanging with so many,
And yet left all alone.
Oh, the years that were left wide open.
Oh, the shadows that seemingly were sown.

For many visited you,
And many left a footprint in the sand.
Yet, all turned away,
Sifting, then scolding, and relinquished with a turned hand.

Will this haze cast itself between forever?
Will the fragrance of your space speak in softened word?
Awaken the dormant vessel of your youth.
Bolster the tides that left vison blurred.

Cast your net and illuminate the path forlorn.
Guide a sailor to safety and shore.
Reduce the fears, with songs through night.
Kiss the eyes, of he who stands before.

I am yours, oh lover.
Embrace me and know that my heart bleeds for you.
I am here, oh lover.
Beneath the tattered mast and your yellow hue.

Take me into your arms again.
You have strayed but were not blotted out.
You have wandered but were never lost.
You have capsized but I remained devout.

Return, oh lover.
Return with victory and a raised silver chalice.
Return, oh lover.
Lay aside the wounds, lay waste to all the malice.

Rekindle the spark.
Let your eyes catch hold of the light.
Allow the tears to sodden flesh.
Allow the waters to heal the blight.

Mighty angel, thrust your sword into my chest and be done.
For to be away from you is an agony worse than death.
Understand that there is one fundamental truth.
To be without, is to behold a life devoid of breath.

When you found me,
I was broken.
Shattered.

My heart had disappeared into a chasm.
So dark, so cold.
Alone with my thoughts,
And my mind in a spasm.

The disparity reached out,
And took hold of my hand.
“Why is my life like this?”
“Why?” was the question that I couldn’t understand.

I shrugged away and tried to find peace.
Stalking,
It chased me,
And with a pursuit that wouldn’t cease.

I fell further. Further into darkness.

I fell and kept falling. Hoping and praying,
For a life that might not exist.
Yet I fell deeper and deeper.
Deeper into the abyss.

An abyss. A dark hole,
that seemed to stretch on and on and on for miles.
A life filled with cruelty, stole away simple virtue.
A life that stole away simple smiles.

Wanting to be bitter.
Yet a heart full of tears.
I am but a cog in this wheel,
A simple tooth of these gears.

I ran.
I ran harder,
and further into the darkness, trying to find the light.
Stumbling and faltering, I slipped further into the deep,
And deeper into night.

I tried to fit in. But I am not like the others.
No. I’m not supposed to fit in like the others.
No. I was not made to be like the others.

So alone I ran.
Set apart.
Mourning. Mourning because I could not find
– A Safe hand.

Your hand!
Your hand reached out!
Your hand!

This is how you found me.
Broken and alone.
Naked. Shaking and afraid.
This is how you found me.
Dirty, without a reason for tomorrow.
No fight left in me.
No love left to give.
Nothing. I was nothing.

This is how you found me.
This is how you found me.

For some reason it didn’t matter to you.
I knew where I was, and I knew how I looked.
Frail, sick, unloved, and incapable of fending for myself.
This is how you found me.

You helped me up off the cold dirt floor.
I could feel the love radiating from your very presence.
Your eyes met mine. Together our eyes were full of tears.
I could feel your compassion, I could feel my skin soaking in your essence.

I remember thinking, “Why would anyone help?
Why would anyone bother with this trash?”
In that moment, you reached out to wipe my face.
You used your tears, soaked within your red sash.

I needed to eat, so you fed me.
Thirsty, you gave me something to drink.
Life began to return,
I was slowly brought back from the brink.

The brink.
The brink.

How did you know that I was on the brink?
How did you know that my life was devoid of purpose?
How did you know that I was lost in thought?
That I was troubled and that I would sink?

Beneath the riptide of life,
that pulled me further out to sea.
Beneath the pressures, the sadness, the hurt.
But this, this is where you found me.

You raised me up.
No. Not as a stranger, but as one of your own.
Your compassion overcame those years,
the depravity, and the abuse that I had known.

I grew up.
I grew up into a man.
I sought to make you proud.
I sought to fulfill your plan.

We talked every night.
I told you about what my day had brought.
I told you the challenges I faced,
I told you my every thought.

I sought and fought,
Every wrong I was taught.
I tried not to hide,
the fire that lay inside.
I needed to reach out to others who were hurting.
But it was you that I needed to secretly confide.

All of my stress. All of my anxiety.
All of my frustrations.
Every time I would fall.
For you were there.
All I had to do was pick up the phone.
All I had to do was call.

Then one day,
We had our usual talk.
You told me you loved me.
You told me we would forever walk.

Side by side.
No matter how bleak it seemed.
I told you I trusted you.
For it was you who set my face agleam.

Yet you promised there would be storms, but
That I would make it through.
But all I heard was selfish.
All I heard was me and you.

I didn’t listen when you talked about growth.
I didn’t hear you but undertook this troth.
I didn’t hear you when you said trouble would come.
I didn’t hear you warn of life and the strings it would strum.

I wished that I had believed you.
I wished that I remained true.
Of when I said I loved you.
And when you said you loved me too.

But the clouds rolled in,
as you said they would.
I felt the floor collapse,
underneath of where I stood.

Then the fires of hell, swept across my back.
The light you had a given, now dimly aglow.
And came with it, a severing attack.
The light nearly snuffed out with a single blow.

I fought just to take a single breath.
I fought for every ounce of strength I had left.
I called you. But I couldn’t reach you.
I called you again, but there was no answer.

Where had you gone?
Why weren’t you picking up?
Why had you abandoned me?
Why was I left to drink from this poisoned cup?

Of this cup I took a sip.
Darkness. Falling again into darkness.
A darkness where it seems like the sun will not shine.
Alone. Alone again I fell into the void.
My heart broken.
Day after day, hour after hour, I fell into the dark void.
Again, I was cold.
Again, I was afraid.
Again, my body began to quiver.
Again, the agony of disparity was displayed.

Tattered.
My clothes ripped and torn.
I squabbled for the reason.
I cursed the day that I was born.

I wanted this world to go away.
I wanted to end it all, under this cold blue sky.
I wanted my feelings to stop feeling.
I wanted reality to let go, really… I just wanted to die.

To die.
To die.

A voice whispered to me,
“No one would notice. No one would cry.
No one would mourn you.
Pick up the steel and say goodbye!”

Goodbye!
Goodbye!

This is how you found me.
This is how you found me.

The phone rang.
And then it rang again.
My tears stopped,
I close my eyes to count to ten.

The phone kept ringing.
The ringing would not cease.
I clenched the cold death,
But the ringing increased.

Tears poured from my eyes.
And rolled down my face.
Sweat poured off my head.
I tried to embrace.

Death.
Death.

This is how you found me.
This is how you found me.

I set the pistol down,
And reached for the phone.
I didn’t know how to answer.So, I muttered out
“Hello?”

It was you.
My heart was completely overcome.
I could slowly hear the light in your voice.
Your cadence ushered in like an anthem.

“My son. My son.
Why are you so downcast?”
I never let you go.
Did you not hear me speak of the forecast?

I told you there would be storms.
I told you there would be rain.
I told you that this would build growth,
Yet the passing storm will help explain.

Explain.
Explain.

That my plan for you,
Is a wonderous good.
I know that it was dark.
I know that you misunderstood.

I know the hurt you faced.
I know tears ran deep.
I know that sorrow inside.
And I know you thought I fell asleep.

I kept working,
behind the scenes.
My thoughts were on you.
Even when we didn’t convene.

I’ve protected you.
I’ve kept worse dangers at bay.
I’ve silenced the wolves.
I’ve kept you out of the fray.

I knew that you were strong.
I knew that you would make it through.
I knew that you would remember,
All the times I said that ‘I love you!’

For you were not created like the rest.
There is gold buried inside your chest.
You were not meant to fit in.
Where other lose, you my son, you were made to win.

To win.
To win.
To win.

This is how I found you.
A winner.
This is how I found you.
A king.
This is how I found you.
A lion.
This is how I found you.

Not some kid laying in the street.
Not a reject without hope.
Not a filthy beggar.
This is how I found you.
Beautiful. Intelligent. Wonderful.
Loving. Compassionate. Valuable beyond compare.
This is how I found you.
This is how I found you.

The wonderous breeze here in this place,
Reminds us as we walk hand in hand.
Blowing through us, blowing across our face,
Of our struggles born and of times lost sand.

We fought so much we’d lose ourselves,
And taste the bitter apples delight.
I watched you escape to woodland elves,
And hated myself for starting this fight.

I seen you cry, I seen you weep,
My sorrow an infection to tame.
The withdrawn emptiness inside is too steep,
My weary eyes lament only shame.

Can we walk together in this field?
With wildflowers drawn instead of swords.
Might we breathe in the moon and yield,
And sail together between the distant fjords.

I held you in the midst of fire,
Our hearts so close they beat as one.
Beauty from the ashes of this pyre,
Fixed hearts are seldom undone.

It seems as though this road and I are well acquainted. I feel as though I have traveled over it many times before. Many of the sights along this road are the different and yet, there is a constant feeling of Déjà vu. There are times when I feel as though I’ve veered off course and have taken a different road entirely.  Yet despite the feelings, despite the changes, and despite everything that may be, it is the same road I have traveled since the beginning.

It is a rough road. It is, at times, filled with potholes and washboard surfaces that without warning, jar the teeth in your mouth. The gravel and the sharp rocks press hard into the rubber tires. There are often fallen branches laying in the path. Some branches you’ll be able to maneuver around, others will force you to stop the vehicle and remove them before continuing.  

The stops along the way are not always this cumbersome. Just the other day, a handsome turtle was taking in some of the sun’s rays, right in the middle of the road. That beautiful little fellow was not trying to be a hindrance to others. It was just to find some warmth from an otherwise cold world. When I tried to move him from his basking, he retreated within his shell. A life of being preyed upon by others, will often make you retreat within to a dark place.

It is true that this road can be harsh at times. There are a lot of twist and turns to navigate, and many unforeseen obstacles to overcome. However, this may be, the perils should not be the main focus. All too often we focus so diligently on the course we are driving instead of our surroundings. We become complacent and narrow-sighted, much like a horse with blinders on.

Now take a second with me to look at those trees over there to the left. Notice those colors? Can you see the stream that flows through the little valley? Did you see that mamma deer and her does? Look at the beautiful blue house off to the right! Did you see the wrap around porch and the rocking chairs? Can you picture in your mind, yourself sitting in one of those chairs? Look at how they decorated the front of the house with those hanging flowerpots!  Look at those stone figurines near their garden of a little boy kissing a girl on the cheek! How long have they been dancing together in the rain? How long has their song been playing?

When I was young I wanted to speed down the road like a skilled racecar driver. I ran over things that I shouldn’t have. I smashed into other vehicles and even hurt creatures like that turtle along the way. I did all of this just to get somewhere fast. I believed that the faster that I drove, the faster I thought I would find my true self. The is a period of life that most adolescence experience, although some people never move beyond this. It is the race to obtain independence. It is the race to find purpose. It is the Race for One’s Own Existence. There is another part of this journey. There is a part that possibly worse than just racing for one’s own existence. This part is something I call The Death Branch.  

One day I was driving down this familiar road. It was nice day out. The sun was out, and I could feel it’s warm rays against my face. The convertible top was down, and the wind was steadily blowing through my hair. There was a certain solace in hiding behind those Ray-Ban sunglasses. That would all change in a single moment.

A storm suddenly came upon me. Darkness encapsulated me and I could not see the very road I was traveling on. Flashes of lightening ripped through the darkened sky and illuminated my path. I could see! I felt hope in that moment, but it was only for a brief moment. Darkness fell again. With the darkness came apprehension and despair. Each subsequent flash brought moments of relief, only to be dashed against the stone of the preceding darkness. This torturous display, reeled me into a false sense of security. This continued for several moments. Each time, the sound of thunder would crack and shake the very core my being.

Strong winds began to push hard against the car. Branches from trees began to fall all around me. There were some branches that were small and some that were large. I dodged to the left and then to the right narrowly avoiding every fallen danger. The smell in the air changed. I could tell that rain was coming. The top of my convertible was still down, but I couldn’t risk pulling over and stopping to put it up. It was too dangerous.

The moisture in my mouth had run dry. I was sweating profusely. The more my hands shook, the harder I gripped the steering wheel tighter. I gripped tighter until my fingers began to go numb. I could feel my heart racing. I was afraid. There was a part of me that wanted to pull the car over and just stop. There was another part of me that was ready for death.

The rain began with a single heavy drop. Then there were two. The rain then fell so heavy that I could not see. The windshield wipers were on high, but to no avail. The falling rain was coming down to hard. The rain poured into the vehicle. I was drenched in just a few seconds. The rain stung as it slapped me in the face. I attempted to push through the pain and fear. I remember thinking that the storm had to eventually end. Yet it just kept on raining.

With all that was happening around me, there was a fleeting thought that began to erode away at all reason. It was the thought of a falling branch dropping down on my vehicle and coming through the windshield and impaling me. Of all the real dangers, this was the one that I became fixated on.

This thought paralyzed me. Panic stricken. I couldn’t escape the image. The thought had me at a standstill. Mentally I could not go forward, and I could not go back. I couldn’t think about anything other than this.

This is the destructive nature of the Death Branch. It is an irrational fear of what could be, taking away the focus from what actually is. In this storm, there were certainly plenty of dangerous to be fearful of. Yet it was the image of being impaled that had me frozen with fear. Fear in this instance came from something that may or may not have ever happened. Focusing on the Death Branch distracted me from the real threats that posed real danger.

The Death Branch also limits a person. It limits their potential. Perceptions such as the Death Branch lock an individual’s mind in such a capacity that they are unable to live free and adventurous. In the midst of the storm, I became afraid. I focused on imminent death. What if I had embraced the storm? What if I, from the beginning of the storm I accepted the fact that I could do nothing to stop what was coming? What if I accepted the idea that if it was my time to die, then I would die? More importantly though, what If I accepted from the very onset of the storm that if it were my time to live, than I would live? Perhaps if I had accepted this, I might have pulled over and put up the convertible top and stayed dry. Perhaps if I had accepted this, I wouldn’t have cared about being wet. Maybe then I would’ve thrown my arms out, and let the rain fall as it were to fall. Maybe then I would sat and waited to take in the fresh smell of petrichor.

When approached with a storm in life, most drivers become like me, afraid to move forward or backward. The Death Branch becomes paramount and encapsulates every avenue of their life. (Date? – What if I get rejected?)  (School? – What if I don’t do well?) (Try different foods?)- What if I don’t like them?) (Skydive? – Isn’t that dangerous?) In a sense, they can not live, because they are already dead. They are merely the product of a tragic accident involving a tree limb that never fell.

Deep beyond the brightness of your tone,
Licks the cinder through shadows of red.
Then a whistle from somewhere dark, somewhere alone,
With a flickering of the songs of autumn leaves dread.

A warmth given through darkened steel,
Subtle voices whisper through ambers embrace.
Passions flames blowing a whispered breath you feel.
Kissing the smallness of the frame, kissing just to catch a taste.

Shall we stoke this glowing ember?
Shall we lay through the night and dream dreams?
Shall our lips fall onto forbidden members?
Shall our hearts sink into woes and schemes?

Will you wait? This warmth will I guard through the night.
Your fire to melt the frost set against this brandished heart.
Your energy revealed, open to me within my palms might.
Ravenous desire unfurled from deep while apart.